There Is Nothing Missing…

Beautiful soul Jennifer Pastiloff shares:

I feel like I’m about to write copy for an antidepressant commercial. Are you depressed? Trouble sleeping? Find you can’t focus? Find you’re feeling down when you have no real reason to, and, in fact, anyone would think you’re insane for admitting it?

I’ve been struggling lately. And it’s a little overwhelming.

That’s what I have done. Or what I want to do. Try to put down some of my load: in a parking lot, in a blog post. Anywhere, really.

I suffer from depression. Or I have suffered. Which is it? Past tense? Present?

Let me be frank: I’m slipping a little lately. So is it present tense? Do I acknowledge it, then shift my thoughts, creating new mantras, such as, “I am happy! I am free of depression!” or do I sit quietly on this airplane and contemplate it?

What does that even mean — depressed? Is it something I’ve been told (yes!) or something I know deep in the labyrinth of my body, in my DNA (also yes)?

For as long as I can remember, I’ve felt a certain sadness I could never explain to anyone: a dead part inside of me that made me pretend I was sick and stay home from school (even in kindergarten) so I could eat cream cheese and olive sandwiches and watch TV with my mom. During college, I would leave NYU during the weekends to go home to Cherry Hill, NJ, an hour and a half ride on the Peter Pan Bus, so I could be at home, safe from the slick world of New York City and from feeling anything except hunger. Perhaps that’s how I fell in love with anorexia; it allowed me to stop feeling such nothingness. I replaced nothingness with anxiety and hunger, but I no longer felt depressed.

The point is, my life is pretty great. I’m happily married. I’m successful. I’m healthy. So, what is it? What is this demon?

Go to the source of this quote: There Is Nothing Missing: The Epiphany That Helps Me Cope With Depression

I’ve been learning a lot about ‘nothing’ along these lines lately as in ‘nothing is wrong with me anymore‘ and now ‘there is nothing missing’; both good mindful meditations…